The power of feeling good! Breaking free from the cycle of oppression.
I am so happy to be here again on my blog! My wonderful Living Our Purpose blog!
I am here because recently I got a glimpse of my happy self again! The core of my being. What a healing experience that was and is! I am so grateful! Now I just have to maintain that connection!
I have been buried "under the influence" in several complex ways, one was my own doing, to dull the pain of the others! As it turns out 2018 is off to a SUPER GREAT start without my trying to make it so. It just is! So, I "give up the struggle" of giving a "rat's ass" about what others think of me, especially the ones who would seem to be the closest to me. I am done with that. Finished.
What is carrying me along on my journey is listening to Abraham who is speaking through beautiful Esther. I love waking up and putting on my headphones and feeling the uplifting energy move my head and on some days the disconnection from the body even if only for a few seconds is fun and encouraging. Abraham's message seems to be encouraging us to a paradigm shift. That shift moves us from our past methods of thinking and doing to a more subtle method of feeling and allowing inspiration to guide us. As a child and as a younger adult I did that most of the time with a wonderful and adventurous success!
I think I began this blog in 2014. At the time I was deeply connected to my core being. I was so happy! When I am in sync with my core being (the soul of me) Love and creativity flows. At that time whenever a challenge came up I simply looked for the bright side and sooner rather than later, the challenge was met with comfortable resolve. The power of self-love and the resulting creativity is amazing. I have always had self-love and because of that self-love, patience and sacrifice were part of the benefit to myself and others. I could see beyond perspective differences and could always find some common ground. In 2014 I was so in sync that several little books just downloaded into my head! I still love them because they made me feel good and they worked as inspirational products!
They were:
I was winding down my dream job as a program director providing support and community service. I loved our community and felt very connected to the people there. In June of 2015, I ended my work there to begin publishing a community magazine and to engage in contract work.
I started a new publication which I faithfully (in the hope of making it profitable) published for two years. I stopped in August of 2017, to reflect on what type of publication I really wanted to produce. A lot has changed in the publishing industry as everything is now an e-book or a print on demand book, so I want to be thoughtful in how I should continue and that includes rethinking content.
In 2016, our family moved back to San Francisco from our beautiful crash pad in the suburbs. New norms sunk in. One of the new norms was me being at home much more of the time with less space. I needed space to paint (my hobby) and to publish (my new work). When you work away from home you are able to get away from the various personal dramas. This smaller space and less time away from the home increased the experience of the tension that I had been experiencing for decades without relief. There were also additional challenges.
We have a three-generational family ranging in ages from 4 to 61. I am now 59, however, this journey of resisting oppression began when I was 28. The youngest family members were not born and of the current adults in the home, one was only 3 years old when I mistakenly - or unwittingly- allowed "the oppression" to enter our lives and the other was not yet born.
The reason I was able to live with that tension was that like so many well-meaning parents I put our whole family first - we have what has been called a "blended" family - I thought that with good intention and accepting our shortcomings we would eventually settle down and be alright. We are all connected by one child who is related to everyone in the home.
Way back then, I thought that would help us all feel connected. Physically that may be true, but if people are not able to connect socially, mentally and emotionally then that tension and the resulting "battle of wills" and "social differences" creates an oppressive environment where violence lives just under the surface of familial activities. Keeping that violence at bay was the task I assigned myself. Throughout the years and to date, there has been no physical violence. Whew!
There has however been a type of emotional violence that has eroded our emotional and mental access to our wellbeing. I have observed that the adults have and continue to be affected by the toxic negativity. I describe it as a low-grade poison spreading out and infecting us over 30 years. There was a toxin introduced and reintroduces each and every day under some guise of a new problem or challenge that was simply fabricated. If there is no problem or challenge, then where is the defense against it? It has been like being fed arsenic in such a low grade every single day that it kills you slowly, you eventually succumb but people from the outside can't understand why you are ill. This being said, I know things can be reversed, or healed and changed.
Health care providers who are focused on your bodily health don't have time to ask you about that type of toxicity in your life. You have to self-report and try to help them help you. That always leads to complications and if you have a family of dependents to support, such therapies and treatments distract you from your duties.
As I reflect back on the long years of living and resisting this private and personal oppression, I recall being saddened when the holidays and the resulting time off for all of us would come. The holidays were not a joyous time as we learned through trial and error that sitting down to dinner together was ALWAYS unpleasant. So after a while, we all ate our dinner and meals separately except for the very youngest family members who are mostly oblivious to tension because they are so young. Even our family trips, vacations and festival visits - like a big ole party in the desert where everyone is supposed to be free to be who they are - were always dampened by the toxicity of this individual family member.
There were moments of joy and spurts of happiness, but all of us being together was never a completely joyous occasion. We could all point to one individual whose presence was toxic, but this individual was a family member and at the time I had a belief that you don't throw away your family members. The spurts and joy we experience were when this member would leave the home. Upon that individual's return, spirits dipped, everyone went to their rooms. There is a personal question I once read about personal impact, it goes something like this: Do people feel better when you enter a room or when you leave a room? For us, the "sighs" of relief were when the individual left.
Dysfunctional situations are unpleasant for me as I am an order-loving individual. I love a clean well-organized environment, and if we have resources, (and we do) I believe those resources ought to be put to good use. Our current resources include a rather spacious backyard (that is covered with trash and junk) although we have a lemon and a pear tree and plenty of space for a garden and sitting area, we don't seem to have the cohesive capacity to get organized and make it happen! Additionally, we have a lovely front yard space, but due to lack of organizational capacity, the area (prior) to our moving in was literally and still is covered with glass. It is hazardous because of the glass.
The organizational part isn't happening because although we are family, our priorities differ! So I had to find a way to calm myself down! So I self-medicated - first with herbs - L-Tyrosine, Dopa Bean - (velvet bean), L-Tryptophan, L-Theanine, 5- HTP and so much more, I bought tons of herbs, some brands worked, others gave me headaches. I was searching for the herb that would provide me with a sense of calm the way some prescription drugs can. I just didn't want any prescription drugs.
Finally, my drug of choice became alcohol. However, I tried various forms of these too! I have finally determined that wine (not in excess) has the most calming effect, but before I learned that lesson, I tried the various types of flavored rum, and flavored vodka and found that those drinks had the potential to be a good option or so I thought, but the volume of the alcohol content always proved disastrous, need I say more? Wine in excess was also disastrous, but it did cover up the disappointment I experienced to exposure to the oppression. However, it did not cover up my - after the fact - exposure to the criticism of my behavior!
For anyone who has or is suffering from criticism or self-medicating, I offer this... meditation works! After a little bit of practice, you can have an experience of a high-disconnect using meditation as a daily 20-minute practice which is what the wine provides in moderation. What the meditation provides is an open door that allows new insights into your life. The wine does NOT offer that! I consider wine to be similar to the other unnecessary pleasures of life, like table salt!
In 2017 I went on a cruise with my mom and dad and sisters for her birthday. My lovely cabin mate was my younger sister. The exposure to the fun was wonderful! The beautiful waters, the lovely amenities supported me totally on my journey to freedom!
I will be going on another more special cruise in March of 2018, I expect to be in a perfect environment with perfect people and I expect to be fully supported on the meditational side of my journey. I hope to go alone, but I may be bringing my external source of oppression along, we'll see! I know who I am and I know what I wish to express in this life of mine. I will now "move about the earth freely" in harmony or at least as near to it as I can. (Borrowing from the airlines a wee bit! When the seatbelt signs go off you may move about the plan freely!) I am happily anticipating rendezvousing with you!
I am here because recently I got a glimpse of my happy self again! The core of my being. What a healing experience that was and is! I am so grateful! Now I just have to maintain that connection!
I have been buried "under the influence" in several complex ways, one was my own doing, to dull the pain of the others! As it turns out 2018 is off to a SUPER GREAT start without my trying to make it so. It just is! So, I "give up the struggle" of giving a "rat's ass" about what others think of me, especially the ones who would seem to be the closest to me. I am done with that. Finished.
What is carrying me along on my journey is listening to Abraham who is speaking through beautiful Esther. I love waking up and putting on my headphones and feeling the uplifting energy move my head and on some days the disconnection from the body even if only for a few seconds is fun and encouraging. Abraham's message seems to be encouraging us to a paradigm shift. That shift moves us from our past methods of thinking and doing to a more subtle method of feeling and allowing inspiration to guide us. As a child and as a younger adult I did that most of the time with a wonderful and adventurous success!
I think I began this blog in 2014. At the time I was deeply connected to my core being. I was so happy! When I am in sync with my core being (the soul of me) Love and creativity flows. At that time whenever a challenge came up I simply looked for the bright side and sooner rather than later, the challenge was met with comfortable resolve. The power of self-love and the resulting creativity is amazing. I have always had self-love and because of that self-love, patience and sacrifice were part of the benefit to myself and others. I could see beyond perspective differences and could always find some common ground. In 2014 I was so in sync that several little books just downloaded into my head! I still love them because they made me feel good and they worked as inspirational products!
They were:
- Thoughts to change the world
- Thoughts to let go of
- My ABC book of Affirmations
Another idea for fun and personal guidance is an Earth Theme Park map! Where I provide a guide for those who are visiting to navigate through the various "mini-themes" and "rides". I had such joy as I received those ideas. I published the first two!
I was winding down my dream job as a program director providing support and community service. I loved our community and felt very connected to the people there. In June of 2015, I ended my work there to begin publishing a community magazine and to engage in contract work.
I started a new publication which I faithfully (in the hope of making it profitable) published for two years. I stopped in August of 2017, to reflect on what type of publication I really wanted to produce. A lot has changed in the publishing industry as everything is now an e-book or a print on demand book, so I want to be thoughtful in how I should continue and that includes rethinking content.
In 2016, our family moved back to San Francisco from our beautiful crash pad in the suburbs. New norms sunk in. One of the new norms was me being at home much more of the time with less space. I needed space to paint (my hobby) and to publish (my new work). When you work away from home you are able to get away from the various personal dramas. This smaller space and less time away from the home increased the experience of the tension that I had been experiencing for decades without relief. There were also additional challenges.
We have a three-generational family ranging in ages from 4 to 61. I am now 59, however, this journey of resisting oppression began when I was 28. The youngest family members were not born and of the current adults in the home, one was only 3 years old when I mistakenly - or unwittingly- allowed "the oppression" to enter our lives and the other was not yet born.
The reason I was able to live with that tension was that like so many well-meaning parents I put our whole family first - we have what has been called a "blended" family - I thought that with good intention and accepting our shortcomings we would eventually settle down and be alright. We are all connected by one child who is related to everyone in the home.
Way back then, I thought that would help us all feel connected. Physically that may be true, but if people are not able to connect socially, mentally and emotionally then that tension and the resulting "battle of wills" and "social differences" creates an oppressive environment where violence lives just under the surface of familial activities. Keeping that violence at bay was the task I assigned myself. Throughout the years and to date, there has been no physical violence. Whew!
There has however been a type of emotional violence that has eroded our emotional and mental access to our wellbeing. I have observed that the adults have and continue to be affected by the toxic negativity. I describe it as a low-grade poison spreading out and infecting us over 30 years. There was a toxin introduced and reintroduces each and every day under some guise of a new problem or challenge that was simply fabricated. If there is no problem or challenge, then where is the defense against it? It has been like being fed arsenic in such a low grade every single day that it kills you slowly, you eventually succumb but people from the outside can't understand why you are ill. This being said, I know things can be reversed, or healed and changed.
Health care providers who are focused on your bodily health don't have time to ask you about that type of toxicity in your life. You have to self-report and try to help them help you. That always leads to complications and if you have a family of dependents to support, such therapies and treatments distract you from your duties.
As I reflect back on the long years of living and resisting this private and personal oppression, I recall being saddened when the holidays and the resulting time off for all of us would come. The holidays were not a joyous time as we learned through trial and error that sitting down to dinner together was ALWAYS unpleasant. So after a while, we all ate our dinner and meals separately except for the very youngest family members who are mostly oblivious to tension because they are so young. Even our family trips, vacations and festival visits - like a big ole party in the desert where everyone is supposed to be free to be who they are - were always dampened by the toxicity of this individual family member.
There were moments of joy and spurts of happiness, but all of us being together was never a completely joyous occasion. We could all point to one individual whose presence was toxic, but this individual was a family member and at the time I had a belief that you don't throw away your family members. The spurts and joy we experience were when this member would leave the home. Upon that individual's return, spirits dipped, everyone went to their rooms. There is a personal question I once read about personal impact, it goes something like this: Do people feel better when you enter a room or when you leave a room? For us, the "sighs" of relief were when the individual left.
Dysfunctional situations are unpleasant for me as I am an order-loving individual. I love a clean well-organized environment, and if we have resources, (and we do) I believe those resources ought to be put to good use. Our current resources include a rather spacious backyard (that is covered with trash and junk) although we have a lemon and a pear tree and plenty of space for a garden and sitting area, we don't seem to have the cohesive capacity to get organized and make it happen! Additionally, we have a lovely front yard space, but due to lack of organizational capacity, the area (prior) to our moving in was literally and still is covered with glass. It is hazardous because of the glass.
The organizational part isn't happening because although we are family, our priorities differ! So I had to find a way to calm myself down! So I self-medicated - first with herbs - L-Tyrosine, Dopa Bean - (velvet bean), L-Tryptophan, L-Theanine, 5- HTP and so much more, I bought tons of herbs, some brands worked, others gave me headaches. I was searching for the herb that would provide me with a sense of calm the way some prescription drugs can. I just didn't want any prescription drugs.
Finally, my drug of choice became alcohol. However, I tried various forms of these too! I have finally determined that wine (not in excess) has the most calming effect, but before I learned that lesson, I tried the various types of flavored rum, and flavored vodka and found that those drinks had the potential to be a good option or so I thought, but the volume of the alcohol content always proved disastrous, need I say more? Wine in excess was also disastrous, but it did cover up the disappointment I experienced to exposure to the oppression. However, it did not cover up my - after the fact - exposure to the criticism of my behavior!
For anyone who has or is suffering from criticism or self-medicating, I offer this... meditation works! After a little bit of practice, you can have an experience of a high-disconnect using meditation as a daily 20-minute practice which is what the wine provides in moderation. What the meditation provides is an open door that allows new insights into your life. The wine does NOT offer that! I consider wine to be similar to the other unnecessary pleasures of life, like table salt!
In 2017 I went on a cruise with my mom and dad and sisters for her birthday. My lovely cabin mate was my younger sister. The exposure to the fun was wonderful! The beautiful waters, the lovely amenities supported me totally on my journey to freedom!
I will be going on another more special cruise in March of 2018, I expect to be in a perfect environment with perfect people and I expect to be fully supported on the meditational side of my journey. I hope to go alone, but I may be bringing my external source of oppression along, we'll see! I know who I am and I know what I wish to express in this life of mine. I will now "move about the earth freely" in harmony or at least as near to it as I can. (Borrowing from the airlines a wee bit! When the seatbelt signs go off you may move about the plan freely!) I am happily anticipating rendezvousing with you!
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